Life is SO hard much of the time, isn't it? Even as believers, we can lose our sense of purpose and God's presence. We can lose faith and patience, and become discouraged.
It's been wonderful to have my blog here, to write from my heart, and find some encouragement and support, as well as encourage others. Lately, though, (more like, in the past 5 years or more) I have felt like I have been on the ultimate emotional roller coaster ride. There have been highs and there have been lows. In the past year and a half, the lows have been getting lower, but the highs seem to be evening out. During these emotional struggles, I have prayed and believed that, in spite of not seeing or feeling like it, God heard my prayers and was walking with me and that He was going to someday answer my prayers, that I knew were within His will. (Most importantly, the salvation of others.)
Then, when something would happen that seemed to totally counter that faith, I struggled with staying connected with God and with other believers. My first response was usually to become isolated and anti-social. My thinking became distorted (or at least, over-sensitive). Smaller difficulties became huge roadblocks and I'd finally just say, "It's not worth the effort anymore!" "I'm tired. I'm wore out." "I just don't have the desire or the motivation to try to continue in my daily routine."
Now, I'm sure at least some of us have moments or days where we feel this way. But for me, it's been more of a normal part of my life. What amazes me is how well I've covered it up in public, when I'm at work, or church, or the store, or even when I'm with friends. My hubby has seen this side of me often, but usually won't do much, but maybe avoid me, when I get down for longer periods of time. I think that's because I am so transparent about my negative attitude around him.(I truly feel bad for him, when that occurs.)
I guess the reason why I decided to discuss this now and here on my blog is because I most likely will be taking another break from blogging for awhile. It was about 6 months ago that I took a mini-blogging break to spend some time in prayer and fasting for my son. I did that fervently and I came back from it at least a little more refreshed. I had been considering taking another break in the near future, when another "event" recently took place in my life that sent me rambling down the roller coaster full-speed ahead! And yes, it had to do with my son, again. I won't go into the full story here (maybe someday, I will tell about it.), but it has been an ongoing problem for him for many, many years. I've known somewhat about his "problem", but not to the extent that it has been taking place.
Now as a mama and a woman of faith, all my life, I have prayed and wanted nothing more than a blessed life for my son. I've desired not only for him to walk in a daily relationship with the Lord, but to share in the joy of knowing we will spend eternity together and with our Savior!! So far, that has not been the case and it has been a very painful road for me. Because of my connections with many mom's in the blogging community, I know that some mom's out there have felt that kind of pain, too. I've been told that some parents have no contact/connection with their adult children, which has caused them extreme pain. Honestly, I'm not sure which is worse, not seeing your child make some very unwise choices in life and how they will reap the very, very, very dangerous consequences of those choices....or having a relationship with your child and having to see them make those choices, wanting to stop them in their tracks, and yet not being able to do anything about it because they don't want to change.
O.K. now that I have fully depressed anyone who is a parent out there, let me express my apologies. You see, I'm at a point in my life where the negativity seems to have moved into my life. Sounds awful, I know, but that's just how it is (and has been) for me for awhile. I tried to cover the negativity up (put on the happy face, share encouraging words, etc.), but have felt like a total scam artist, playing the part of the "faithful Christian woman". I know, I still have moments that I will sometimes feel encouraged. When those times occur, I will definitely share them on my blog. But let's be honest, who wants to hear someone's constant complaining and sob stories in a blog post every week? Not me, that's for sure. I tend to not want to read those blog posts.
Now, for all you concerned fellow bloggers...I have been to a Christian counselor when it's needed. I do not want to go the route of taking anti-depressant drugs. It's just not for me...mostly because of the very reason that I get down. (Again, someday I'll explain the reason more completely.) Anyway, if you are an avid prayer warrior, your prayers are greatly appreciated, not only for me, but also for my son, Tyler.
Another bit of information that I wanted to share here with you today, was that it may be difficult(or impossible) to get ahold of me through Facebook. Like I had mentioned, even when smaller setbacks happen, I tend to overreact. A few days ago, Facebook decided (for unknown reasons) to freeze my accounts (both my personal and blogger accounts) temporarily. They suspect someone else is trying to use them (in their words). I'm not sure if I will be able to retrieve my accounts, which will be so sad, as I have posted so much on them over years. Gladly I have most, if not all of the pictures and videos saved on my computer/external memory. (By the way, if you have had this happen to you, let me know what you did to get your account back up. I don't really want to start over with a new Facebook page and am not sure if I will stop using Facebook altogether, if I can't retrieve my accounts) If you want to get in contact with me you may either post a comment(which I may not check every day), or send me an email at my hotmail address: firstname.lastname@example.org
Thanks to all of you who chose to read this post all the way through!! Bless you!!
Have a blessed week!
Linking over to these blog hops:
Faith Filled Friday (Missional Women)